View Single Post
 
Old Dec 29, 2015, 10:56 AM
jaymoq jaymoq is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 156
I have come to terms with the fact I have a real fear of commitment. A fear of commitment and regret. Every time I find myself in a relationship, I get paranoid I have made a wrong turn. I don't know if its the unrealistic relationship goals society continues to impress upon us or if its just me nervous to accept this is what my life will look like -- forever.

I was married before and even though we had good chemistry, our life goals continued to separate. We were both young and I was ambitious while he was comfortable. We were engaged for over 2 years and married for 2 years before we finally agreed our idea of a real future was very different. I learned a lot from that marriage and that chemistry only gets you so far. "Love" is not all you need if you are on different pages.

Fast forward to today and I am in a serious relationship. We are engaged. And I find myself feeling trapped and worried. He and I are both of the same mindset. We share values. We have the same goals. We support one another. But, the chemistry is not as brilliant. I have matured and he is older (he nearly a decade my senior). Part of me knows my fear is having been sold this fantasy about what "love" is supposed to look like.

Is it my fear talking? This man supports me, he is caring, he is passionate about our future and willing to work on my goals as I am his, but do I feel like he is deeply in love with me? I don't know. I guess I am more of a hopeless romantic where he is a realist. I am emotional, where he is logical. In terms of a partnership, we are great. But, sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. It is probably those voices telling me "You can do better. You should find your soul mate. It will be destiny." But a part of me wonders if that mentality is a setup for failure. Relationships aren't easy. They won't ever be perfect. But how do you know if this is the right decision? Or, do you ever know? Is it the test of time that will be the ultimate guide?

I feel like my fear is based on some misguided notion that I need to find a relationship where I feel that he is my soul mate. Is a relationship that is practical enough? I am afraid I will get married again and have regrets. And I think this has less to do with him and more to do with me.

I am really bad at decision making. An attribute of my anxiety. I am horrible at making decisions because I constantly worry about if/then scenarios. I need some unbiased opinions. What if I get married and that prevents me from meeting 'the one'? I know how SHALLOW and awful that sounds. It really is the wrong way to look at things. I fear that if I use the gauge of 'destiny' for my future, I will wander alone for my entire life in hopes of finding my one true love. I know that sounds silly, but years of being told to find a prince charming has really sabotaged the way I consider my relationships.
__________________
|| Does the walker choose the path, or does the path choose the walker? ||