My Support Forums - View Single Post - Constant fear

DBTDiva · Dec 29, 2015, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.o.a.

Hi,

I've been dealing with this problem for years now where I'm in a constant state of fear, always scared of something. I was diagnosed with PTSD four years ago.

The other day, my therapist said it's normal to go into survival mode when faced with a dangerous situation, but that as soon as possible, we should be able to go over what happened with someone, to make sense out of it and get out of survival mode.

My dad is/was dangerous so I lived in constant fear and in survival mode for the first 20 years of my life. My mum either doesn't realise how dangerous he is, or she doesn't care or is in denial.

I feel I'm finally getting close to proper healing. Just now, I felt like I needed to write this, straight from the heart, about what really happened - and my therapist says I need to share these things with others, so here goes..

When dad tried to hit me.. Everything I knew and believed went out the window! I couldn't trust anything anymore.. I thought the world was a good place - until that happened..

And when my mum didn't help me, it messed me up even more. I thought I was worthless.

I'm glad that I survived and am alive now.. I just need to share this, share my story, the way it truly happened, not the version my mum's been telling people all these years..

I don't even care if those people believe me or not - I don't even know if I'm ever going to tell them what really happened, how it was - I just need at least one person in this world to believe me.. To trust I'm telling the truth..

I have nothing to gain by sharing this - except for my independence, independence of mind..

I wish nothing more than for things to have been different, but they weren't! And I'm not going to let mum's voice in my head tell me anymore that I'm lying..

There.. Thank you for reading

I've always believed my dad was so dangerous he could have killed me.. Many people are physically able to take someone's life but never will because they know it's wrong.. My dad doesn't, or he doesn't care if it suits him.. So if he ever lost it, he might do it. Phew, no wonder I've been so scared

If you believe my dad really was this dangerous, do tell, it'll help me..

As kids, we need to feel protected by our parents. Home is supposed to be our safe space. When it is not, it feels that there is no place that is safe for us. Hitting someone is not ok, it leaves you in a constant state of fear because most of the time you don't know what is going to set off the abuser. It doesn't matter if your mom is in denial, you know that you felt unsafe and that's all that matters. Every single person deserves to feel safe in their own home. As a child, cognitively you weren't able to process everything that was happening around you. It sounds like you have a good T and I'm glad you are working to get out of survival mode!