I feel like this is my inner self. Not just now, when I'm depressed, but any time anything goes wrong. I feel like my inner self is just a child, usually going about enjoying life and not worrying, but as soon as there's a threat, usually someone not being happy with me, it runs and hides. Sometimes I actually get an image like this in my head. This is how I feel when someone is mad at me, or even uses a harsh tone in response to a conversation I initiated. I have this unexplainable feeling of being a child: weak, scared, not understanding why this is happening to me, but accepting that I should be punished.
Like as a child, when I knew my parents were about to yell at me, I always felt that they were right, even if I didn't know why. It's not like I was never mad at my parents, or never thought they were unfair or didn't understand me. But when it came to punishment time, I was never mad. I never felt that they were wrong to punish me, or tried to avoid it. The moment I knew I was going to be punished, I resigned myself to it and told myself I deserved it.
The problem is, that seems to happen now even when someone isn't trying to punish me. It happens whenever someone is not happy with me, whenever I have failed to keep things pleasant and orderly.
But there's also a part of me that is like the punisher. I berate myself, I hate the image of this scared little girl that I believe is me. Because I'm not a little girl anymore, and running away isn't an option. I tell myself I can't afford to fall apart, and when I do, I get so angry at myself. Like a parent might get angry when a child throws a fit, because they know the kid is just being selfish, that whatever is happening doesn't really warrant this kind of reaction. But kids overreact. I just never stopped.