the holiday high is over. now i'm back to being depressed and not caring much about anything. been feeling stuck. i've needed to do more work in my room for a long time now, specifically putting everything on the floor back on my window seat (i had to take everything down a couple weeks ago to have blankets put up over the window for the winter, since we don't have storm windows, and the house is old and drafty). only thing is that i never seem to get around to doing it. i either run out of time, or i feel ****** and don't want to deal with it that day. because of this, a lot of floor space is still being taken up by the stuff (a lot of it is stuff i don't want anyway). it's difficult to make my bed, and getting up in the night to use the bathroom ends up with me bruising my toe.

on top of this i keep waking up far too late. these past few days i've woken up past noon, one of those days i woke up at 1:30. i even went to bed an hour earlier last night because of this, and still woke up today at 12:04 PM. i'm getting frustrated. it's not like i'm a party animal who stays up late. i usually go to bed before midnight most nights, which means that i've been sleeping 12+ hours a night, and it just baffles me. how can i be so tired to sleep that much, when i don't hardly do ****?... i don't understand.

also, it's been cloudy and rainy now for several days, which doesn't help my SAD. i mainly stay in my room, and my window is covered in blankets now, so i don't see the outside much. it feels like hibernation in a way. but i don't want to hibernate. i want to have a life sometime. there are so many things that need to be done. i'm so behind. it feels like no one's helping me through it, either. my parents ignore me and leave me to my own devices. i guess being 19 means they are not obligated to help me anymore. but at the same time i need help, i'm slipping back into that place where nothing matters anymore, where i just want to quietly stop existing.