Quote:
Originally Posted by jaymoq
I have come to terms with the fact I have a real fear of commitment. A fear of commitment and regret. Every time I find myself in a relationship, I get paranoid I have made a wrong turn. I don't know if its the unrealistic relationship goals society continues to impress upon us or if its just me nervous to accept this is what my life will look like -- forever.
I was married before and even though we had good chemistry, our life goals continued to separate. We were both young and I was ambitious while he was comfortable. We were engaged for over 2 years and married for 2 years before we finally agreed our idea of a real future was very different. I learned a lot from that marriage and that chemistry only gets you so far. "Love" is not all you need if you are on different pages.
Fast forward to today and I am in a serious relationship. We are engaged. And I find myself feeling trapped and worried. He and I are both of the same mindset. We share values. We have the same goals. We support one another. But, the chemistry is not as brilliant. I have matured and he is older (he nearly a decade my senior). Part of me knows my fear is having been sold this fantasy about what "love" is supposed to look like.
Is it my fear talking? This man supports me, he is caring, he is passionate about our future and willing to work on my goals as I am his, but do I feel like he is deeply in love with me? I don't know. I guess I am more of a hopeless romantic where he is a realist. I am emotional, where he is logical. In terms of a partnership, we are great. But, sometimes I feel like I'm missing something. It is probably those voices telling me "You can do better. You should find your soul mate. It will be destiny." But a part of me wonders if that mentality is a setup for failure. Relationships aren't easy. They won't ever be perfect. But how do you know if this is the right decision? Or, do you ever know? Is it the test of time that will be the ultimate guide?
I feel like my fear is based on some misguided notion that I need to find a relationship where I feel that he is my soul mate. Is a relationship that is practical enough? I am afraid I will get married again and have regrets. And I think this has less to do with him and more to do with me.
I am really bad at decision making. An attribute of my anxiety. I am horrible at making decisions because I constantly worry about if/then scenarios. I need some unbiased opinions. What if I get married and that prevents me from meeting 'the one'? I know how SHALLOW and awful that sounds. It really is the wrong way to look at things. I fear that if I use the gauge of 'destiny' for my future, I will wander alone for my entire life in hopes of finding my one true love. I know that sounds silly, but years of being told to find a prince charming has really sabotaged the way I consider my relationships.
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Is it your fear talking? Only you can decide. Pro con list perhaps? Is it possible that what you're telling yourself is "I want him to be my soulmate and it doesn't feel like he is" but it's masking actual problems or difficulties you don't want to admit? Writing down what you actually like about him and the relationship and what you don't might help to clarify things.
I believe in the definition of soulmate that Richard from Texas gave Liz Gilbert in "Eat Pray Love:"
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
I have had two soulmates, that fit that particular description. People where the highs were too high and the lows were way too low. "Passion" that was really just intensity, but I thought that they were one in the same. All that being said, I've been composing a blog post in my head and one of the points in it is that when people said "You just know" when you meet the right one, my question to that was always "How do you know that you know?" I always had tiny doubts in all my relationships, even my marriage or when I was engaged to people. With my current boyfriend I have zero doubts. He wasn't what I was looking for on paper, not by a long shot, but we have a passionate, supportive relationship full of positive communication and happiness. It's not easy, or perfect, but it is not something I doubt. I think in your heart you probably know if this guy is right or not. If you truly believe it's fear of commitment then maybe see a T and try to work on it - but I don't think a relationship can or will last if you're already questioning it. If sometimes it feels like something is missing, that likely means that something is missing.