Thank you everyone. I know that inherently, by asking these questions, I only casting more doubt on this relationship. But another part of me wonders what it is I really want. To clarify, fiancé and I are seeing a couples counselor right now. And, she keeps bringing up that I am a perfectionist and set the bar so high no one could ever meet my expectations. Which has me questioning myself.

My fiancé is most of the things I want: confident, motivated, great job, responsible, sweet and caring. However, he is not spontaneous and he does not sweep me off my feet. All things society shows me through movies and books are important. I should feel that rush. And, so that is what I looked for. Don't go with logic, go with my gut. But, having gone with my gut the last two serious relationships, I've only ended up disappointed.

Is love about a feeling or is it about reality? We all deserve prince charming -- that's what we're told. But let's be real, there aren't that many princes out there. My dream guy is some rugged cowboy that has an extensive business enterprise that is also hopeless romantic and finds my quirks "cute". Bahaha. But let's be real, isn't that just my dream? Does that guy really exist? I don't know. I feel like the only thing holding me back right now is the fear I am shutting the door on endless possibilities if I were single. I am being selfish and wanting more. But, I have a lot. It is not easy, but is this someone I could trust with my life? Yes. Is it someone I could depend on? Yes. Is it someone that would be a good father? Yes. The romance is not there. He is more of an introvert and rarely will open up to show me his emotional side. But, maybe part of my trouble is my own emotions are bizarre. My anxiety and depression make me prone to emotional responses. I've dated men with similar diagnoses and they ended very poorly.

Sigh. I wish it were easy. I wish I could be confident in my choice. Even during my divorce, I questioned myself for days and made myself sick thinking I'd made a horrible mistake. But, I am so much happier now and my future is a lot brighter since I made that change. Maybe I need to just accept that whatever is going to happen will happen. I can't navigate every caveat of my life. Maybe that's what my counselor means. I am so afraid to drop my guard and not be 100% in control of my future, I second guess any sign of losing my independence out of fear it will prevent me from a greater path. But heck, I don't want to end up an old woman having so meticulously guided my life I am alone and still waiting for my prince.

Relationships are seriously confusing. But, the hermit lifestyle is not for me! Been there, done that. I miss some aspects of that freedom, but having someone to depend on when I am sick or tired is nice. Instead of looking at all the reasons to go, I need to focus on all the reasons to stay. I know that nothing is permanent. Do I want to be another divorce statistic? Heck no! But, I also don't want to miss out on a good thing simply because I was afraid it wasn't good enough.

But, no doubt in an hour I'll have talked myself out of this again. This inner dialogue can get exhausting.