Have wasted 20 years of my life with the wrong person and have inflicted this relationship on 2 kids. I am withdrawn, I cry everyday, I am a shell of a person. Imagine everyday being told everything you do is useless, every action you take criticised. No respect or validation in anything you do. He has no concept of the toll years of being told everything is wrong has on me nor does he care. I want to leave but recently he has started to become physical with me, not full on aggression but I can see it escalating. He won't leave the children and tells me constantly he's only there for them. He spent 3 hours the other day telling me all what I am, I have no voice to reply as I am interrupted every time I speak or anything said about him is ignored and turned back on me he's a narcassist and I'm so angry with myself for being with someone like this. As a father he's great, he has always provided for his family and works hard but this is where his level of support stops. He had an affair for 18 months and no doubt other affairs
before and I should have left then but I had a newborn baby and a 2 year old when I found out and desperately wanted it to work I know how idiotic this sounds. I grew up without my Dad and I just wanted more for my kids, it's was dilusional of me and stupid for me to keep hold of a desire for my kids to grow up in a home with their dad. I met him when I was 15 years old and we were together 14 years before having kids. The signs were there though and it's my fault for not leaving when I was younger. I was vulnerable when I met him already depressed I think and he was a child put in care so it was not a good idea to be together in hindsight but he wasn't like this at all when I met him, it took a year before the verbal abuse started but by then it was too late I had him on this pedestal and loved him completely, I thought he loved me too until
I got pregnant. Like most abusive relationships when it's good I'm really happy but it doesn't last long.

I am so unhappy, I am so sad for my kids after the affair I have become a shell of a person and I try so hard to be a good Mum but I cry a lot in front of them and my son is high energy possibly ADHD and I struggle and feel overwhelmed. I have started studying to try and do something positive and that has turned into me being selfish as studying means the house is dirty and messy, he's also told me it is not a good idea for me to go into the career I want as I'm so stupid and unable to multi task.

I wish someone could come and take me and my kids away and I never see him again, I am so alone. I have no one to talk to, I've lost friends and no one wants to be around me as I'm so depressing. I hate life, wish I could run away. if I didn't have the kids I would be on the next plane and away from here, I feel completely trapped. Every morning I wake up with dread of the day. I love my kids so much and want so much more for them I feel I have failed them, I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility and don't want them to grow up with issues. I need help.

How the hell did I allow myself to get into this mess