i have felt vary suicidal on and off for the last 8 years, never told anyone or gotten any help, last night was one of my worst.
i'm 20 now and am planing on heading into the military in the next few years,i have always been homeschooled and feel vary dumb, i work full time in the familiy business ( for free) i have a black belt at a local martial arts school and volunteer 4 nights a week( about 20 hours a week) i volunteer on weekends at the local animal shelter, i have always thought a life in the service of others is the only way to go but i'm beginning to question myself. i have been in so much physical and mental pain over my childhood it often feels like too much.i have molested in the worst way and i was realy little, my beat me all the time and told me things like he wished i was never born, i worked on the familiy farm full since i was 7,my parents got divorced when i was 12 and i haven't seen my dad since. my mother is so bitter about life, always drinking and getting angry with innocent people, Yelling at me for hours at night.i'm a good kid, never drank did drugs or hung out with any of the wrong people.my father is sueing my mother for 60 thousand dollars and we're losing everything with lawer bills, maybe even the familiy business.i don't feel any happiniess, the more i do for others the more i feel like life doesn't have time for me and i should end it, i'll never function normal and i will always be suffering. i don't want to hurt anyone any more but i'm getting sick of being selfless and living for others when i just want to end it all. for myself