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Originally Posted by musinglizzy
Hmmmm, interesting question. I would think, yes, probably. My T won't meet those needs for me, she used to, but taking it away really hasn't had me going around trying to find it somewhere else. This question makes me think of a book I read. It's called What your Therapist is Really Thinking or something like that. It's written by a psychologist, but it's actually a therapy novel. I enjoyed it, even though it wasn't a "fix yourself" or how-to book. And in the end, the client, Shira, finds what she needs, and eventually quit therapy. Although as you read through the book, you'd think she's a "lifer." For being a novel, it really gave a lot of good insight (I have to wonder if the therapist who wrote the book might have had a former client in mind when she was writing it). Very nice that you have a therapist willing to help meet your needs. My T has done a complete 180 (as you know), and expects me to seek needs outside of therapy, which I TOTALLY agree with...once a person is ready.
Honestly though, I DO think a T's job is to help you discover those needs, perhaps help meet them, but in doing so, help you learn to find those needs outside of therapy. If your T continues to meet your emotional/physical needs for years, without guiding you to find them outside of therapy, I'm not sure that's really a good thing. I don't recall how long you have been seeing this T.... but I know you have a great relationship with her.
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Thank you! That book sounds interesting. My T wants me to get my needs met elsewhere, at least the ones I can. That's ALWAYS been her goal for me. The problem is that I fight doing that because it's hard. I've repeated my pattern with 5 Ts but my current T is the only one who has allowed emails and touch. I've seen her for almost 6 years.
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Originally Posted by brillskep
I'm wondering that too in a way. But I figure that, in my case at least, having someone else to meet some of my needs very well would take something out of therapy that don't belongs there. So relationship needs could be satisfied appropriately by a partner and emotional processing and healing needs could be appropriately satisfied by a therapist.
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That's kind of what I mean. I didn't have the physical or emotional intimacy I wanted in my marriage. If I could find it, then I wouldn't be so focused on my T. I probably would still want to see her but maybe not.
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Originally Posted by Echos Myron
I think if you haven't unpacked and understood those unmet needs in therapy they can become a burden on a relationship (I still have no idea how H put up with my constant 'just leave me then, if I'm such a problem' tests when we first met). I don't think a partner can or should fill the role of parent because the relationship should be on an equal footing for it to work, however with aspects that therapy fills such as loneliness, need to feel valued and loved etc, I think therapy can begin to take a backseat in filling those kind of needs.
It certainly wouldn't be a case of 'I'm in a relationship now, I don't need therapy anymore' because that would put tremendous strain on a relationship.
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I see what you mean. The part who wants someone to take care of those early needs can't be satisfied by a husband. My T has stressed over and over that my Self can nurture that part. But I think I would have been able to do that if I had a different relationship with my H.
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Originally Posted by _Mouse
Satisfaction comes from within
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So true, Mouse!
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Originally Posted by BayBrony
No, no, no. Those needs are yours, and no one can fill them. Not a T and not a partner. I have the most wonderful wife you could ask for, but I remain haunted by loneliness, pain and need rooted in my childhood. Your T is never meant to meet those needs, but to teach you by example how to meet them yourself. As my T is fond of saying " YOU are who you really need. When you are truly loving and supporting yourself, that need will finally quiet"
Not only do I think.its unlikely to work I think its actually dangerous and unhealthy to look to someone else to.meet those needs
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I was thinking more in the line of: If I had a H who valued me and made me feel more loved (I know my H loved me but he didn't show it in a way I needed), I wouldn't have to turn to my T as much. My self-esteem would go up. I realize I have to feel good about myself first. So something positive has come up from " not wanting my T to be with that guy", an insight to examine whether I'm ready to be in s new relationship yet, and what I can do to satisfy the baby/child parts who are sometimes still very needy.
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Originally Posted by lolagrace
Other people cannot fulfill your needs in adulthood. I think that belief that someone else can be the solution to childhood issues is the cause of many problems in relationships. You have to find that within yourself. Getting whatever it is may feel better temporarily, but it is only a temporary fix; the issues will remain.
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I get that, but I think I would have been different with a gentler spouse, and someone who could raise me up rather than criticize and bring me down. I know my child hood issues would still be there but I've had so many years of therapy, I just have to accept the feelings I have.
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Originally Posted by gayleggg
I find I still need my therapist even though I'm married. My therapist helps me keep things in perspective. Something my husband can't seem to do.
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Thank you. That's a good point to consider
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Originally Posted by Littlemeinside
I donīt think you can find someone you would be willing to do that in the long run, without some kind of a burn out if they donīt get their needs met to.
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I DO want to give to a partner too. I want it to be mutual. I didn't mean I want to take from someone. I just want someone who is emotionally able to respond to me.
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Originally Posted by Perna
No one else can meet your needs, as they are your needs; but a good partner can help you learn, along with your therapist, how to get them met or deal with their not getting met, etc. and I found the good partner doubled the speed and ease with which I learned  |
Thank you, Perna. It's nice to "see" you again. What you wrote is encouraging.
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Originally Posted by nottrustin
I am not sure one person can fill all ones needs. Some of the fulfillment needs to come from within. I have been happily married for over 20 years to a man who does what he can for me. I have a few wonderful friends who meet other needs. Still with these great supports I need to for other things in my life. I don't think it is healthy to rely on just one person.
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I have some very good friends who satisfy my needs too. I was just wondering if I had a H who could satisfy the needs I want from my T ( the love she gives me) and the physical needs I didn't get satisfied by my H, maybe I will be satisfied.