Still feel awful, but it seems this kind of self-hating depression goes in cycles:

Numbness to anything > Inundate myself with information that sets me off > Fear, shame, anger, etc > Look for "remedies" to the problem while consciously hating and raging at myself > Resolve to self-improve, while still thinking of that improvement as inferior or a waste of time > Remember/realize how much work it would actually take to achieve what I want > "It's not worth it" > Numbness