Hi everyone. I'm Nathan and I'm 28. I have lurked here before and have always been impressed with the kindheartedness this forum/support group seems to offer people who post on some of their most vulnerable thoughts, feelings and life-exerpeinces. So here I am.

I guess I'm depressed. It seems like my mood and general lack of well-being would align itself with diagnostic criteria of the disease. That said, I am not diagnosed as depressed. A few months ago I saw a nice MFT for one session (didn't pursue it further because [a] I self sabotage and probably don't really want to get better and [b] she informed me that through my insurance plan I would not be able to make ongoing appointments with her, and if I needed to see a therapist I could call and get whoever I would be placed with that week) and then about a month ago saw a Psychologist (once).

I hate when people asked me what "triggered" this feeling of depression. I'm not sure if anything triggered it. I have always had mental health issues, even as a kid. I often threatened to kill myself as a child and run away. Obviously I had childhood issues.

Some of my current feelings stem from the circumstance and a monumental frustration for me is: I have a college degree (a BA in psych!) and I work a 14 dollar an hour mindless job. I am fat and unhappy, and when I compare myself to 5, 6 years ago (a time when I was still in school and hopeful) I get insatiably frustrated. From those roots terrible thoughts arise ("I'm a loser." "I'll never amount to ****." and on and on).

I like identifying as depressed because I feel it makes me *not* crazy. I like talking about my mental health and feelings because I get power from it. It doesn't shame me in the slightest.

I could go on forever, and this doesn't even begin to illustrate everything about myself, but I hope I can start an ongoing discussion about this and try and see myself from a more objective stance. To anyone that took the time to read this I sincerely appreciate it.

Much love,
Nathan.