I think that as someone with a mental illness, you do indeed need to think of your own needs in all of this. I have PTSD and I know I won't ever be able to deal with someone else's kids, so I won't ever date someone who has children. Yes, people have called me every name in the book, said I was a child hater, and so on. In my case, loud noises and screaming children can spin me off into a bad episode quite quickly. (I've been very sensitive to noise since I was quite young.)

Yes, in our society, the single adult who doesn't want kids is, more often than not, labeled as selfish....so I understand why you started your post the way that you did. For me its NOT about being selfish. And to be honest, is not having kids ever really a matter of being selfish? I'd argue no, simply because as adults we have the freedom to live our lives as we wish. I'd say there are FAAAR more people who actually have kids for selfish reasons i.e. extensions of themselves, unconditional love, to fill a void in their life, etc, than people who do not have kids for selfish reasons. But hey, that's just me, and as a trauma survivor who has spent much time in the company of other trauma survivors, I know I oftentimes see and acknowledge the dark side of life.

As I was saying, for me its not a matter of being selfish. I have a severe stress disorder and if I don't take care of my own health by reducing stress, I can go downhill very quickly. Is taking care of yourself and your own needs (NOT wants) selfish? I don't think so.

There is no need to make a quick decision, right? I think you should spend some time apart from your boyfriend. Let the kids adjust to their new living situation. The daughter may calm down. See how things go over the next few months. This will give you time to see things as they are. Don't expect things to change if the situation is still volatile (remember, these things tend to not change over time).

You will always come second. Can you handle this? No worries if you can't, as this dynamic isn't for everyone. I know I couldn't handle always coming in second. (Again, where more of the "selfish" putdowns come in....but hey, its my life and I can live it however I choose, right?)