I am not sure how it will go, I know that there is so much anger in me right now that I don't think I could addresss it without losing it. My T wanted me to take a self defense course to help me protect myself and gain some self asteem. So my daughter and I signed up for the class through the police dept. That was in March, it was a 6 week course, classes were 3 hours long. When we were learning the moves and hitting the bags, I could feel the power behind my punches, the anger was flowing right with the hits, it felt good to do that. Then we had our last class wich was a series of scenerios, there were 6 police officers in full protective gear putting us through scenerios. I could feel the fear creeping in during each scenerio. By the time the third one came for me to do, a officer grabbed me and pinned me down underneath him, and I went into a panic mode, I had a flashback of my Dad and totally lost it, I rolled him off of me, and stood to run and another officer blocked my way, I literally cold cocked him in the side of the head and sent him to the ground, and then I kept running right out the door, the woman running it had to catch up to me, I was so out of control, my daughter saw it, everyone in the class saw it. I was angry afterwards at my T for suggesting this, angry at myself for not realizing what it would do to me, angry at myself for letting my daughter see mom that way. I had to sit my daughter down, she knew some what about what happened to me when I was growing up, but I told her everything that night. We are closer now then we ever where, but a 13 year old shouldn't have to see that with their mom. I was scared that night at the am,ount of anger I could release, and not think about what I was doing to the other person, I know I was in a full blown panic attack, but it was scary.
My T said that disclosing to my family would be the hardest, and it was very hard to sit in my living room and tell my 8 other siblings what my Dad and 2 of my brothers had done to me, I had written it down so I could just read it, the abuse stopped when I was 17 I was pregnant with my Dad's child. I had an abortion and I know how hard it was for them to hear that, they always thought my mom was the one that screwed the family up for years, they had Dad on a pedestal for so long, he died 19 years ago. Dealing with everything now, the emotions the feelings, the suicide thoughts I thought that once I told my story they would go away, but they aren't. They are stronger now then when I was the keeper of the family secret!!