I completely get this.

I was raped by an ex boyfriend but the thing was, before the rape, he was so sweet and so kind and he would tell me he'd marry me and cook for me and we'd have a lovely house with beautiful children
I know now that those are all lies, but I thought he said those things because he loved me so when he raped me I was really confused and I thought he still loved me.

The abuse got so bad I had to call the police in him, but if that never happened I'd probably still be with him because I really did love him.

That's what abusers do, though. They charm you into thinking that you
Love them so they can keep you around longer