I talked to T some about ex-T. I told her that I've been missing her. She asked if Christmas is triggering a memory. It was. Two years ago, December 27, my ex-T forgot to call me. She had cancelled my appt right before Christmas due to a family emergency, so she said she would call me on the 27th to check-in. I waited all day and night. She never called. I emailed her to see if she was okay. She she was... I emailed her a 2 and a 3 page email emotionally "vomiting" about how she forgot me (and the "kitchen sink"). I showed up to my next appt. I was shaking, I was so scared. She opened the door to the waiting room. I couldn't look up. I took a deep breath and stood up. All of a sudden she comes up to me and hugs me. I hug back and let go. She doesn't. She still holds me. I cry and hug her back again this time accepting the embrace. I didn't ask for an apology or a hug. And she didn't even say a word. She just hugged me. She chose to hug me. And it was a full embrace, long hug. Her choice. To me, I knew she cared and I knew she was sorry.

I asked T if it was okay that I miss her during the week. She said it's okay. She would be worried if I was missing her and have a full week, but since I have so much time, it's not abnormal.

I asked T if it was okay to love ex-T. She said that she didn't know the full details of my relationship with ex-T, so she couldn't make a judgment on it. But she said for me, it was probably okay. She said from the sounds of things, ex-T encouraged love in the relationship. I told her how ex-T said "I want you to feel safe and loved" and "My concern comes from a place of love". That, and her favorite author was Dr. M. Scott Peck who believed that love should be in the therapeutic relationship. She said that those things were close enough to "I love you" and that I would interpret it as such.

I asked T if it was okay if I loved her in about a year or two. I reassured her I don't love her yet (and it's true). She said it would be okay and natural. I told her that I already know one of her boundaries is that she won't express love to a client and she nodded in agreement.

I asked T what type of therapy she did. She said mostly integrative, some DBT (mindfulness), CBT (but not worksheets unless necessary), mostly client-centered and psychodynamic.

I asked her if she sees a client's attachment to her as healthy. She said yes. I asked her if it was a good thing to be dependent on her. She said no. She said she wants her clients to be able to rely on her her, to see her as dependable, but not their sole source of support. She said that's why there has to be boundaries so that the attachment can be healthy and positive.

8 months into this relationship. I can laugh and cry with her. She can now tell when I tear up. I have told her all my secrets. Oh, she's meeting my puppy next week! Am I disillusioned to think I'm safe with this T? That she will not abandon me? That she will allow me time to process our termination when it comes time? We hug now after every session. That's a huge thing for me. I trust her, I think. I want to anyways. Is it dumb? After what happened with ex-T? I can't compare. They're two different people. But my brain tries to compare. I keep looking for a way to know I'm safe. I feel safe. Do I trust myself this time? I want to. I really want to. I want so much to let go of what ex-T did and just move on with this T without looking back. But is that wise?