> I react to that as a needed and welcomed dose of reality-thinking. Not a judgement on you, but just reality.

I guess...
It strikes me as a judgement because the therapist seems to be thinking that you need to reality test when you are painfully aware of the reality of the situation.
It seems to me that what was needed...
Was some acknowledgement of your WISH or an acknowledgement of your DESIRE. Not some statement of whether your wish or desire was realistic or unrealistic. Not some statement of whether your wish or desire was likely to be fulfilled or not fulfilled. Just some acknowledgement that you did indeed wish or desire that and that wishing or desiring it was understandable. Not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Understandable.

> That would set off alarms for me -- that my therapist was saying something she thought would please me, so I would like her more. Or something that was more playing to her needs than to mine.

Really?

I guess... That if you felt that your mother manipulated you so that she could get her needs met... Then you would be suspicious of someone doing something that seems to be in accordance with YOUR emotional needs...