Mars, I am sorry your grief gets complicated. I think it does for most of us, despite your mother having schizophrenia. That adds to the complication but all grief has many layers I believe. It feels unbearable and somehow we move and sort it through. I have hope for that for you, for me, I know that it shapes and changes and finds meaning in our hearts. It takes a while to even begin the process of sifting through the layers. My daughter was gone for 5 years when I was finally able to tell her I did the best I could caring for her and understand that she loved and appreciated that. it was a really big deal. I hope the times get easier. I know depending on your faith that this may be a sad time of year approaching. Just know i get it, i am here to listen and your feelings don't scare or overwhelm me. Many of us are allergic to death and so they offer platitudes that are meant well but make you want to grab for the jugular anyway. So get comfort where you can and be mindful of your needs.