Last night at a social function a woman was telling me about this wonderful T she had had years ago and it turned out to be the same T that had dumped me after I had already become incredibly attached to him. Apparently he saw her for free for a year rather than abandon her at the same time that he dumped me. I was in serious distress at the time, very suicicdal, had had an almost successful suicide attempt during the time I was with him because I felt he did not care. (I was very screwed up back then and still sleeping with my father even though I was 31.) Anyway, listening to this lady brought back a tidal wave of pain from that time when he dumped me suddenly. I then started fearing my current T would dump me too because of course I'm just a piece of %#@&#! (or why else would the old T have dumped me?) I have been with this T for 3 years and I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone in my entire life. I hate it when he goes on vacation. (Last session I told him " You can't go away on vacation, You just can't. I hate it hate it hate it." And he looked at me with those blue eyes and softly said "I know, I know that's how you feel... but hey, you'll be okay. You've been okay before." (when he went away).
I cannot bear the thought of ever ending therapy, seriously. I just cannot even go there. I have never ever had a relationship like the one I have with him; it has opened up so many windows for me. I have started treating myself with some of the kindness and love he has shown and taught me. I have started believing in humanity again. I think a part of me would permanently die off if we ended badly. It is so scary to think T has that much influence over me but he does, damn it; he just does. Yikes!