(Trigger for abuse stuff, SI stuff, suicidal ideation stuff etc)

Hard therapy session

First thing he asks - is there any fallout from the Boy leaving, did I have any other feelings about it? How was I dealing? I said "fine" which, to his credit, he now understands as "not fine". But I said I'd get over it. Then he asks me how I feel about my roommate leaving. So I tell him about how everyone who meets her doesn't exactly get along with her. How she's been described as mothering, controlling and just generally has a toxic personality that has slowly made me insane and degraded my self-esteem.

Also talked about how my weekend went. Got to Saturday of all days when I came in with the intention of discussing what happened on Sunday (where I stayed in bed all day and avoided everyone and didn't eat at all). Then he made me go back to the abuse thing because I happened to say something about HIM. Gah. I'm dumb. HE was actually being nice to me, and I was saying to T how we had some stuff in common. Dammit. I need to forget what HE did to me already. Just bury it, please.

Then...

Stupid T made me go over some more of the stuff from the abuse thing. Phooey. Didn't make him happy by not crying. Also supposed to believe everything wasn't my fault. Ha. Tried the whole "he took advantage of you, he was the adult in the situation, it was not your fault, you did nothing to deserve it, you didn't ask for it" thing. I don't believe him. Someone 'splain to me why I think counselling for this (specifically abuse counselling) will be beneficial when I don't believe the T I've actually gotten to know him for a long time and kinda like and trust a bit?

Hehe. I slapped the table a few times. He didn't understand how much pleasure I got out of doing that. He said that me doing that was an indication of how mad/upset I was at what we were talking about - so I told him, no this is what I do to calm myself down. He didn't look happy about that. I told him that whatever I do to myself - it has to leave a mark, it has to do me detriment for it to be considered self-injuring. I have a feeling he won't let me do that ever again.

So then we go through the "you're allowed to express emotions" and that the room was a safe space and all that.

Spent over half my session with my eyes closed. So I wouldn't have to look at him. He kept speaking in this low voice. Very comforting. Reminded me of someone. Was nice. But didn't help much.

So then he wants me to let that little girl inside of me out. Which, btw still weirds me out a bit. But yes, she didn't want to come out. Okay, I didn't want her to come out. She expresses emotion and holds all of my pain but believes I'm a good person and all that junk - and she's the one who's making me go to therapy. Which hurts. But I don't want her to come out, so I'm trying to tell myself to stop it - and of course, that's intellectualizing the situation when all my T wanted was for me to be emotional. So he tells me if it would be possible to just ignore the negative messages in my head and just believe all the stuff he tells me. He asks me why I'm in therapy, and I tell him that I have no idea. That maybe I just like to hear myself talk (me laughing). I say nope, I like coming to hear him ... which he responds with "well you know that will never happen where I'm the only one talking". He tells me that some little part of me believes I deserve help and wants to get over all of this stuff, but I don't know if I believe it.

He's repeating the same message over and over... "You're a beautiful person who has many gifts, who is loved by lots of people and who loves to help others and deserves to be happy and deserves to feel whatever emotions you want". Or he said something like that, I genuinely didn't want to hear it so I tried to ignore it. Guess it didn't work as well as I wanted.

Now physiologically - I didn't cry. Came damn close to having another anxiety attack though. Okay, my T is USELESS for calming me down. He does nothing. So my hands are quite literally shaking and I feel sick and I'm balling my fists trying to control the shaking - and I'll be damned, nothing works. So he asks me what's wrong, and I tell him it's anxiety. He says it's usually caused by some sort of threat. So he asks me if what we're talking about is threatening, if expressing emotions is threatening. I have no idea, it just happens sometimes.

I tell him I'm fine to cry by myself, but crying in front of someone else, or anywhere where I could could be seen by someone else is too scary for me. So then he asks what's the worst thing that could happen if I express emotions. I say "that you'll leave, that people will be upset with me, that I will hurt people". Wasn't fun to say that. He said he'd still be here if I was upset, I know he has been before - but what if I have a bigger emotional outburst? Everyone always leaves me.

He brought up that stupid word again... "abandonment". I hate that word. He knows it too. Always getting a reaction out of me by saying that.

I tell him I'm spacey. He asks me where I am - anywhere but here. Tell him that I've been this way for days now and I don't know how to get grounded again. How the only way it usually happens if I SI. I actually told him that I had been upset with him a few weeks ago, that I felt he was going too fast. He didn't respond to that I think.

So then I go around saying how all I wanted to do was cut myself into little tiny pieces or die. Or drink, I actually told him I wanted to go back to residence to drink.

By this time I realize time is basically up and tell him that it's about time I should go and asking why he didn't inform me of such. He said that he wasn't going to let me go unless he knew I was in a good spot and wouldn't harm myself. He said that I was important, and that if other people had to wait then that was okay. (He actually didn't have anyone after me). I told him it didn't matter since I was a waste of time, space and energy. Also said I was a burden. To all of that he says, "maybe you should let me decide that". I tell him that I'm going to go so he'll not be wasting his time. So he asks again if I felt safe to go. I tell him that I'm telling him that I am fine so he is free. He tells me that wasn't the answer he wanted. He wants the truth. So I say nothing. A few more minutes of random talking (about my friends two sisters) and then I'm allowed to go.

He knows I'm back this afternoon with a friend because I'm watching my friends two younger sisters while she's in therapy with my T (I go to a counselling centre on campus, so T's are shared amongst students) so he told me to not do anything to harm myself (and included eating a proper meal - what do you know, he learns... I told him I wouldn't eat otherwise) ... and that he'd see me for a few minutes at 1pm. So I have 2 hours now.

... I feel like crying now. And I can, since I'm alone. Why does everything have to hurt so much when I talk to him? Phooey.