i've always been so negative, always thinking about worst, speaking about worst, describing how everything hopeless. this end up effecting on me and others

depressing, the negativity issue end up depressing others especially those who are close to me and know my issue well which make them feel its hopeless to help me then end up leaving me

all this and my negative life events which still doesnt have good reason to make me brighter makes me so depressed that i started thinking about worst, hoping to die. i would never think about suicide as its not solution and i've to have faith in God as this must be for reason, but we are weak humans and i just cant handle this it got worse 2 years ago and doesnt want to completely leave me alone no matter what, but i've to keep going as i can