I've had depression on and off for 6+ years now, it tends to come in waves of a few months at a time, the longest being about a year. It's been about 6 months since I was last in one of my "depressions" but even when I'm having my "well" times I still struggle.

It's like I doubt everything that I'm feeling and thinking - is it real or is it just my mind playing tricks on me? I get paranoid about things, and then i'm worrying that i'm just going crazy and it's all in my head. I'm supposed to be making the most of being more positive and not being depressed, but instead i'm just doubting everything. It's like I've completely lost the ability to "feel" normally because I feel like I don't really know what I'm feeling.

I suppose it's better than being hopelessly depressed, at least I can still get on with things in my life, but sometimes I wonder if I would prefer to be depressed because at least then I'll be certain about what I'm feeling.

When I'm not depressed, my anxiety is worse than ever, and I become so paranoid, I always believe that people are talking about me behind my back or think that secretly everybody hates me. It's so horrible because I feel like I can't be normal around people because I'm always thinking about what have they been thinking or saying about me. Even when people are totally fine with me I believe in my head that they aren't, but then I'm back to doubting myself again - which people are fine with me and which aren't, am I just being paranoid?....

I'm driving myself mad

In these times, I am off my meds, and I don't see any pdoc or t because I just want to be as normal as possible, but then I find when Im feeling like this I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to who will take me seriously or understand. But then I feel like I can't go to my GP for a referral for something as silly as all this, and I don't want to seem like I'm just wasting their time.

Does anybody else struggle with the times when they aren't depressed? It all just feels so wrong its like I don't know how to live normally any more. Even looking back at all this I have written I'm doubting if its even how i'm really feeling. I think I've lost the ability to feel properly all together.