Quote:
Originally Posted by RavensPOE
I was raped & molested by a physician from ages 3-10.
Three years later--at age 13--I began having Holocaust Nightmares.
They have continued for over 30 years.
In many of them the Third Reich officers are raping me,
or I am watching them rape others (who are teenagers).
My therapist diagnosed me with C-PTSD from both of these traumas.
I haven't been on a date in over a decade now.
Each time I try to be with someone in an intimate relationship--
they turn into the doctor who raped me as a child,
or the Third Reich officer raping me. I simply get those panic attacks
whenever I try to be intimate with someone.
People also innocently trigger the attacks.
It isn't just during intimacy.
I have no warning that they are going to hit.
I'm not thinking about what the doctor did to me,
or what I have witnessed in my nightmares...they simply hit me
like a bomb, or emotional hot flash. They don't seem to care where I am at:
teaching class, having dinner, at the mall or at the grocery store--
they just attack me.
I stopped trying to have close friendships.
I also stopped trying to have an intimate relationship over 10 years ago.
Most of the friends that I did have throughout the years
simply drift away...after witnessing too many of my attacks.
I'm not sure what the moral to this life IS.
I didn't sign any contract agreeing to be on this planet.
We were all forced upon it by 2 other people's creation.
My first, official memory is of the doctor molesting me in his office.
Most of the time when I have those PTSD panic attacks--
I think I make myself feel worse...I am always thinking when I am
having them...that I KNOW that other people are having them TOO.
And, I know that other people were molested, raped and abused
just like me...as a child. And I cry some more...Because I know
that this world is so horrible...that it isn't JUST ME that is in this
predicament.
I live a life of isolation.
I am a Professor of Graphic Design.
I basically got fired in 2011 from my full-tenure track position
because I had one of those PTSD attacks in class.
I was lecturing and I looked up and saw my students flicker back and forth
in their chairs from student to concentration camp victim...it had never
happened like that before...I simply ran out of the class and locked myself
downstairs in one of the bathroom stalls...I think forever.
I am currently taking a break from teaching & am in Israel
this year working on another grad degree--MA in Holocaust Education.
The panic attacks have gotten worse.
And, I assumed that they would...I'm the student again.
I keep praying to God.
Can he fix me in the Holy Land?
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stopped trying to have close friendships.
I also stopped trying to have an intimate relationship over 10 years ago.
I think withdrawal is a sign that you are ready to turn in and face things that have wounded you and not just limp along pretending to be fine. I found that I withdrew for a three years, became closer and closer to myself and eventually was forced by the pain towards the right help and it was professional.
You come across very brave and very ready to face your injuries. I was abused by social workers this stopped me reaching out to 'institutional support' for many many years. I think you have hit the same payload with doctor abuse. Perhaps this is the final step for you to take, to set about finding a therapist who is a kind and trustworthy soul and who can take on your abuse compassionately and gently. With understanding that the trauma was based in what is meant to be a caregiving profession. Take heart and much much love, I feel your pain, I was as a child who was raped by a social worker who was meant to be caring for me after domestic violence and brutality from parents.
It is NOT an easy one to overcome especially because trust has been shattered at the deepest and most profound level. My advice is to proceed cautiously to reach out for help & to get some support on board as you do so. A trusted friend or woman's service counsellor who will accompany you to your first counselling sessions could be a bridge to you finding a much needed safe place to begin to heal.
I am sending you a great big hug and I wish I could be that friend because I have been where you are now and I know how hard this is xxxx