Hi Everyone, I'm an old time forum member here, looks like the last time I logged in was in 2009. Glad tonight to discover my account is still active.

In 2004 or 2005 I was at the point of harming myself when I decided to call a hotline instead and ended up in a hospital program. I had a very rough year following that and was unable to work for a full year and couldn't even open my mail. I was finally able to come around and find a good job in 2005 where I have been working ever since. I had a short relapse where I entered a day program but my new job was understanding and held my position for me.

After a few years, I was able to successfully stop therapy and medications. I was feeling stable and the side effects of the medications were becoming a hindrance to my daily well being.

So for about 8 years I have been doing well, rarely feeling any of the effects of my depression--desire to isolate myself, insomnia with racing thoughts, suicidal ideation, inability to enjoy, crying jags--all well under control.

About a month ago the depression came back. It has been hard. I haven't been suicidal but I can't say that the thought scares me or that I haven't had some ideation.

I'm much more mindful than I was 10 years ago; at that time I didn't know what was happening to me. Now I have discussed this with some trusted friends, some coworkers, and my boss and manager, all of whom have been very supportive.

My biggest fear/problem is this... I know depression colors everything negatively and hopelessly so I try to take stock of all of the good things in my life. Yes, a good job, good friends. I had that 10 years ago (different job, which collapsed catastrophically when I became mentally ill). 10 years ago the biggest trigger to my depression revolved around a relationship, misunderstood, hopeful, well-meaning, but empty and a big misunderstanding on my part. I'd never found a soul mate, never found someone who I wanted to be close to who also wanted to be close to me. I thought I had found someone but I misread the situation. The excitement of thinking I found someone, dashed, made me understandably very unhappy but spiraled into something I could no longer deal with.

I learned to cope with that and to instead work on improving myself and my possibilities, being more outgoing, meeting more people. I'm gay so that in combination with my shyness makes it hard for me but I was trying my best.

And in the meantime, enjoying myself and my friends and hobbies. Considered that I might never find someone but that life could still be good for me.

Now I'm depressed again. I think it was triggered by many things; world events, loss of a friend, and maybe another personal heartbreak.

I'm trying to deal with it, as I said, talking to people, not isolating myself, I have a list of therapists who take my insurance who I plan to contact next week. But I've let everyone know that I do NOT want to be hospitalized again. Truthfully, although I've survived, I am no better off than I was 10 years ago... Yes lots of friends but no one as a love interest in my life and there hasn't been a single one in the intervening 10 years. I'm 10 years older, 10 years fatter, 10 years balder, and in 10 years worse health... diabetes and heart attack added to the arthritis that was part of my trigger 10 years ago. I'm no catch... 10 years ago I had low self-esteem but when I looked in the mirror I could imagine someone seeing a cute guy, now I find myself pretty repulsive.

So the idea of starting another 10 year cycle with a hospital stay, coming out to a recovery period (I doubt I'd be a year out of work as I would certainly be able to go back to my current job... I've discussed this privately with my boss) being on drugs that make me numb and impotent for a few years, coming out of it being another 10 years older. I am seriously having a hard time finding the point of that. Drugs and/or therapy to make me feel OK that after a lifetime of trying I still can't find someone to love who loves me back?

This is a long post Honestly I was doing very well over the holiday and over New Year's, and yesterday I felt like I was on a real even keel and maybe coming out of this. Today I felt good as well. But in the evening a wave of depression hit me really hard, I'm crying and unhappy, hopeless, and I just wish I had someone that I would want to call to come help me. I'm not really in harm's way for a hotline but I'm glad I found that this forum is still here, a place to express my fears.

No matter what I plan to follow up with a new therapist as soon as I can next week. The road after that is very uncertain for me.

Thanks