Thanks Moonkin. I find it strange, but I'm able to do eye contact okay in my interactions outside therapy. I can even do eye contact okay when I am just getting started in therapy (ie, when I don't know the therapist very well). When I start to think about / feel / talk about harder stuff then eye contact goes out the window, however. My therapist said something to me last time about how a therapy encounter is quite unlike the majority of encounters that I'd have outside therapy. He said that most of my encounters are probably really very 'rationally' oriented (because of work, I guess). I suppose he is right. Therapy is much much harder. Little kid feelings etc.

> I feel if I look into her eyes,...I'd see,..something I didn't want to see. I have no clue what that might be...but it scares me.

Rejection?
Condemnation?
Misattunement?
Disgust?

Those are my fears, I guess. I think... I'd die of shame if I saw any of those things there. But I can't see how it is that I won't see any of those things there. So... The shame prevents me from looking. From looking and from seeing those things and from feeling an even greater shame / hurt.

He asked me once if I thought that he had responded to me in those ways. If he had judged me or responded in any of those ways. I said 'no' and when he looked unsure I said it again. Isn't about him, you see, about the past.

I feel a bit bad, however, because it shows that I don't trust him not to act in ways that my parents did. I think the idea is that you are supposed to look and find care and concern and compassion and empathy instead. That that is supposed to be healing. For me... Where I'm at at the moment... His responding that way so that I can hear those things in his tone of voice is healing enough. Maybe after a couple years of that I'll find the courage to look at him lol. Gently does it. I wish I trusted him more. I know he deserves it. It is just... Me... How I feel about me.