Hi Nathan,

Welcome to PC! I'm so glad you stopped lurking and joined in.

I agree with doggiedo, it would probably be worth persuing the therapy. It's scary to see just anyone, but you never know, you may get on.
I understand what you say about being ambivalent about recovery as people always prefer what they know, even if it's intolerable.

Maybe you can think how you would advise a dear friend and follow your advice? That would be a start in valuing yourself as the unique individual you are, with the same worth as any other, whatever your job.

People here have helped me through some dark times and I hope you get as much encouragement from this community as I have.

Be kind to yourself, as best as you can,YOU REALLY DO DESERVE IT.