Hey Hopeful,

I think that not looking does help me distance myself a little. I have trouble regulating my emotional responses, and I think that I do try to distance myself a little in order to better regulate my emotional responses. To retain my composure. To be coherant. To be polite. To be pleasant.

I guess I worry that if I look... I will flinch. Or I will start to cry, tears silently rolling down my face. I think that if I look... I would feel intense physiological arousal. Expecting him to hit me or get angry at me or flinch from me... I get scared that if I look I'll get a strong urge to jump on his lap and throw my arms around his neck and / or to make a sexual advance and that I won't be able to stop myself.

Apparently infants turn their gaze away when they are trying to regulate their emotions towards baseline. I guess I'm trying to do the same.

Shame is a very powerful emotion. I've realised that it plays a really huge role in my life. Stops me doing things. Gets me to do things. Much of my life is driven by avoidance / fear of shame. My therapist says that I'm hypersensitive. I think he means hypersensitive to shame. To the perception of judgement or insult or disaproval. I guess I am. I don't want him to leave, you see. I don't want him to leave me :-(