Thanks for all of the input. I find myself constantly at war with myself on this. In a perfect world, I would have a crystal ball and could have a clear answer. But, we all know life isn't that easy!

Sometimes I feel like everything is fine but then something will happen in our relationship and I tell myself "You deserve better!" But how great do I think I am?

I know that part of this is my insecurities and my anxiety, but the other part is my generations need for perfection. We are told to be the best we can be and that there is no limit and if we're not happy, to keep looking. But, what kind of life is that? It's like I can't ever be satisfied. Every time something GREAT comes along, I think to myself "But what if there is something better?"

I know this relationship is not ideal. I had actually packed everything up and my mom flew out to help me move not but three months ago. But, the day she flew out he got news he had serious complications with his brain and spine and I felt guilty. So I didn't leave. How could I? Abandon him when he gets this diagnosis that could either paralyze or kill him? Since then, he's seen numerous doctors and is about to go in for surgery to hopefully alleviate the pressure on his brain and spine, but--- geesh. It is a lot to handle.

Am I scared because of that? The prospect of being 'stuck' in a relationship with someone that very well could become disabled for the rest of their life? I can't imagine what that would look like. Especially because my CAREER is based on helping those with disabilities. I can't just walk away. Or can I?

I am so confused. Today was a bad morning. Despite me asking him to stop unloading his work on me, he sends me a photo of a horrendous car wreck he was working last night. It just--- messes me up. We've talked about this in our sessions. He can't decompress on me, even if I do work in the counseling field.

Sigh. Sorry, its been a really bad morning. I was off for the holidays and coming back is always tough. Therefore I become his emotional monster. This morning I completely emasculated him with some mean mean words. I didn't mean to say them, but I was feeling so hurt and angry and irritated, it just all came out. Me telling him the wedding won't happen. Me telling him we are better off apart. Its like something takes over me and I can't stop. I go in to defense mode. If I hurt him first, he can't hurt me. This horrible horrible strategy.

I am going to schedule another appointment with the therapist ASAP. We had a few good weeks but things have taken a turn. And, 90% of that is me going off the deep end.