i woke up this morning with my head spinning about the fact that i will be seeing T again after a 3 week break. things in T have been real hard and i have not felt very connected or understood by my T at all . i know it is coming from me and my inability to communicate with her effectively. i am so confused and scared about all of it . i have just been feeling so miserable about everything. i really have tried to talk to her about all the stuff going on in my head but she just isnt getting it . again last session we were talking about how i no longer want to be a mother to my son . i have no idea how anymore . she just isnt getting it at all . instead i see her as just being demanding and judgmental . telling me how i shouldn't be doing some things and how i should be doing something else . how i should be behaving towards my son and what is right and what isnt . she told me she thinks im pretending i dont want to be a mom anymore, that she out right does not believe me . when i told her my plans for christmas she said it was a horrible idea and i should do something else . because it involved having my son and my farther spending some time together . she aslo said that my husband should go to my sons girlfriends house with me for christmas when he didnt want to and could spend time with my son and my farther at the same time . anyway in the end she lead me to believe she felt i was going to subject my son to abuse and that i was selfish in doing so . i have never hidden the fact that i am a selfish horrible person from her .in fact i have told her this every chance i get and she seemed completely taken back and surprised when i behaved in such a way . i am so confused by it all . on one hand i have asked her over and over again to help me not be this kind of person but when she points this behavior out to me i was completely hurt and felt like she hated me . was judging my decisions. what she is asking me to do is so hard and i dont know if she understands that at all . i know it is all on me that she doesnt . i have not talked to her much about what is going on in my head over the years i have been seeing her . now when i do she doesnt believe me . there is so much i have experienced that i have not talked to her about . i dont even think she has any interest in hearing about all that horrible things, and i have no idea how to even talk to her about any of it . i also now have serious doubts that she would even believe me. i have been seeing her for 5 years now and have never really let her know much about what has been in my head or what i have lived through on any kind of emotional level. i so wish i could share with her not only what happened to me but also what it was like . maybe then she would believe that i am feeling how i am now . i dont think i will ever be able to do this