Quote:
Originally Posted by jaymoq
I know this relationship is not ideal. I had actually packed everything up and my mom flew out to help me move not but three months ago. But, the day she flew out he got news he had serious complications with his brain and spine and I felt guilty. So I didn't leave. How could I? Abandon him when he gets this diagnosis that could either paralyze or kill him? Since then, he's seen numerous doctors and is about to go in for surgery to hopefully alleviate the pressure on his brain and spine, but--- geesh. It is a lot to handle.
Am I scared because of that? The prospect of being 'stuck' in a relationship with someone that very well could become disabled for the rest of their life? I can't imagine what that would look like. Especially because my CAREER is based on helping those with disabilities. I can't just walk away. Or can I?
I am so confused. Today was a bad morning. Despite me asking him to stop unloading his work on me, he sends me a photo of a horrendous car wreck he was working last night. It just--- messes me up. We've talked about this in our sessions. He can't decompress on me, even if I do work in the counseling field.
Sigh. Sorry, its been a really bad morning. I was off for the holidays and coming back is always tough. Therefore I become his emotional monster. This morning I completely emasculated him with some mean mean words. I didn't mean to say them, but I was feeling so hurt and angry and irritated, it just all came out. Me telling him the wedding won't happen. Me telling him we are better off apart. Its like something takes over me and I can't stop. I go in to defense mode. If I hurt him first, he can't hurt me. This horrible horrible strategy.
I am going to schedule another appointment with the therapist ASAP. We had a few good weeks but things have taken a turn. And, 90% of that is me going off the deep end.
|
Staying out of guilt is probably the wrong choice for you, if you were going to leave anyway, which it sounds like you were, then follow through with it when you can feel ok about it. Maybe help him through the surgery but keep the boundaries clear and let him know you're there as someone who cares about him but not a romantic partner. It really sounds like you're trying to force something and your heart isn't in it. Obviously it wasn't the thought he might have to deal with a disability that had you all ready to leave him prior to his accident! Plenty of people do one thing for work and don't want to take that work home - people that work with kids who don't want children; I work in the counseling field too and while it helps for interacting with people I wouldn't want my bf to treat me like his therapist.
You can walk away, if you decide that's what is right for you. We always have a choice, it's just that often it feels like we don't because we don't have any good choices. Staying or going, both might be less than ideal but there's always a choice.