Quote:
Originally Posted by granite1
hi ruh roh yes she did use the word pretend . she said that i am pretending to not want to be a mom to my son and that he is the world to me and that she just doesnt believe me. yes my son does mean the world to me .and that is what she is basing her perception and comments on . what i have not shared with her in depth is how i am so stressed to the point of being sick and panicked over just about everything he does and shares with me. it is beyond tolerable for me and it is almost continuous . and also how ashamed i am that he has me as a mother and my F ed up family .i did talk a little about that and she argued with me about it . but this is how i feel. anyway this is what i mean about not being able to tell her what is going on and her responding to what i say to her . i absolutely believe when i get upset i close down and only hear things in a negative light .
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Granite, what is the panic and stress about with your son. I'm don't mean specific incidents; I'm more wondering what you are afraid of in general for/about your son. What is your thinking about your son? Your parenting? What is the panic?
I think you saying you don't want to be his mother is perhaps a way of avoiding whatever is going on with you internally, and I get the feeling it may have actually more to do with your own mother/parents/history than it really has to do with your son in the present. I obviously could be wrong, but in my experience, when I had that kind of visceral panic and overwhelming emotion about something in the present, it almost always had to do with my past and I was really, really persistent in avoiding really looking at the real thinking behind my panic because to look at it meant I had to inspect my history and where that thinking started. (My apologies if I am way off base or if you aren't in a place to look at that yet.) I'm guessing that is what your T is trying to get at but it's not translating well and perhaps you aren't ready to really look at that.