Quote:
Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
A lot of my lack of self-esteem comes from not being able to hold a full time job while I'm a full time doctoral student. I had a temporary job last semester that was about 30 hours in a week and I got a week behind in my school work. I can't just go to part time either because my boyfriend and I need to graduate at the same time, or we'll end up apart for a year or so. But you know, everyone else has a job and most have a family at the same time they're a doctoral student. One goes to class during the day and works nights. And I can't even handle 30 hours a week when I'm not married and don't have kids?! And this is when they're FULL TIME students, not part time. I work a full time temporary job in the summer, but to me I don't get paid enough within the year to have value as a person. I just know other people put the minimum amount of work possible in their school work and I tend to be the top of the class because I have all day to do work. But no one cares about grades…it won't help me get a job. Having a job will help me get a job. Being unemployed for so long because I've been a student virtually my whole life and I can't balance the two is going to be so detrimental for my future. How do I get a job with zero experience? Most of my competitors have that experience because they either had assistantships or they work an outside job on top of school. How can I ever pretend to have any worth when I literally have very little worth. I may not have made enough this year to pay taxes…which is devastating because I need information from taxes in order to get future royalties for my work. So I'll be making even LESS money. It hurts every time I realize I lose out on royalties because I'm not in ASCAP.
Maybe I should just drop out so I can be less of a loser and actually have a job. Or maybe if I had two full time jobs over the summer so I could make enough to pay taxes and be slightly less of a loser. But even so, I couldn't balance a real job (as in a job that's at least 9 months a year) with school, so it wouldn't matter. I would be a loser that will be unemployable in the future no matter what.
So how can I have self esteem when I don't have a job/own my house/not married etc.?
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That is asking a lot of yourself! I didn't work at all getting my Master's (just half the first semester), I lived off student loans. We had to do semester long internships that were 32 hours a week, some people worked but holy c**p that's a lot of time just being someplace, not even counting READING, not even accounting for studying what you read... Just no. I don't like having $50,000 in student loan debt but it was better than having a complete physical and psychological breakdown. One of my classmates worked 40 hours and came to class, and did the internships, sometimes she wasn't sure what day it was because she hadn't slept in so long. You can't do that with a mental illness, you just can't. I often say that we can achieve whatever we want, but we might have to take a different road and we are going to have some detours. When you're dealing with mental illness you have to cut yourself some slack, we are not going to be able to do things the exact same way as someone who has no depression/anxiety. PhD programs are notorious for giving depression and anxiety to people who have never had issues before. Much more suicidal ideation than students in undergrad or masters level programs. The people you're comparing yourself to are probably not doing as well as you think they are.
Are you writing a thesis? You can't do that on no sleep, no way. You will feel like more of a loser if you drop out!!! What are you wanting to do when you get done with school? Are you younger than the classmates you're comparing yourself to? I got a great job right out of school but I was a decade older than some of my classmates so yeah I have more experience, but they'll probably be making a lot more money in better positions at 25 than I was at that age. Self esteem is internal, it has to be. If it is based on marriage, a job, owning a home, then your self esteem vanishes when those circumstances change or like now before you have them. I had to work on my self esteem and improve it BEFORE I was able to get the great job and buy a house.
