Quote:
Originally Posted by marmaduke
Good explanation thank you.
This is how is was for me. I got nothing from mother and by the age of 7 realised she hated me.
And I hated her back. When she died I felt nothing but relief.
Father gave a little more (not much) but enough for me to think l 'loved him'
People seem to find it strange that I HATE mother.
Mother gave me nothing. Nothing. All she did was destroy that little timid girl.
Never a cuddle never a kiss or hug. That machine did not pay out.
No Stockholm syndrome for me.
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Hi Marmaduke, I was in the same situation as you & I feel you. I just got home from a therapy session discussing the fact that whilst I can cook a meal for others joyfully and without anxiety or fear, when I try to make a snack for myself at home alone I am wracked with anxiety and find myself cleaning up to hide the evidence of nourishing myself. This is due to my Mother ( a compulsive narcissist and dieter) who offered no hugs or kisses and beatings and screaming if I stepped near to the fridge or asked for food outside of strict meal times.
I gave up on her aged about 7 as well.
I still carry the built in bodily reactions of fear when I go to do something that is ordinary and self nourishing. She made me afraid to eat, sing, hum, make a mess, get dirty, play, laugh, ask, question, boy the list goes on....
But I am making progress.
At the ripe old age of 43 I told my therapist in a safe space that I was scared by feeding myself and the rage that followed that disclosure just about floored me and my therapist told me it was OK to feel the rage & I believed him. I walked out of their today feeling HEARD and he made it OK for me to be angry ( I was always ashamed of this anger & stuffed it away). As of today I am hoping to be able to nourish myself alone in my own home without the fear and anguish that has plagued me & to do it one totally awesome snack at a time
Thank you for sharing & strength to your healing BH x