Blimey this is mind blowing ( other people had this?) as well as being incredibly great (as well as bad, I am truly sorry that you had this too) but to know I wasn't alone in this experience....finally someone else KNOWS this.
I also put everything back where it was, wherever I am, wherever I touch I feel myself looking over my shoulder waiting for the axe to fall.
She had a way of monitoring every single move I made or thing I did that made me terminally anxious of putting a foot wrong or touching something that I shouldn't.

Our Christmas decorations were 'perfect' done at night by Mom minus me and she recycled chocolate decorations and cards from previous years. We were not allowed to touch, sniff or go near the chocolate tree decorations that she hung up year in and year out, the SAME ones.

Same for the crib, the snow scene with the cute little figures. It was all done for show to others, as a child I was berated if my fingers strayed in the direction of the tree or any of her ornaments. I am still scared to touch things that are pretty.

My mother spent money on clothes and things for herself and nothing on me, less than nothing, she would take money ostensibly for me from my Fathers wage for birthdays or Christmas and spend 10% on me, always drab clothes. The rest she spent on herself. Dad never seemed to notice.

My mother kept my hair short like a boy, monitored my toilet habits, dressed me in hand me down clothing and no visitors or friends were ever allowed into our home. She was always very clear to me that she was beautiful, desirable, that dad loved her most and that I was a nuisance who she had to tolerate.

She didn't allow me to wear bright colours or jewellery or anything fashionable or pop like. I was not allowed to listen to pop music or have posters on my walls or go to friends sleep overs. She nailed my social life from day one as a child.

But she expected me to beat every other kid ( and their Mothers) in class at EVERYTHING. (mad)

I was also allowed a bath once a week. But no bubble bath, no hair doing afterwards, it was a puritanical scrub and straight to bed afterwards with a sour face if I was too slow or had too much fun.

She even used to throw away treats and sweets that my Granny (Dad's Mom) gave to me. Gifts that were sweeties got thrown in the bin in front of me and I was sworn to secrecy.

She gave up bread and potatoes, I gave up bread and potatoes she even went so far as to write a letter to the school banning me from having desert in my school lunch. I was put on a table with the kids with special dietary requirements. She couldn't handle the thought of me aged 4-10 eating pudding at school with the other kids. What the hell was she thinking? Was she even thinking? How insane is that?

She ended up alcoholic, in deep denial and abandoned by both my brother and I when I was 18. She didn't want anything to do with custody of my brother he was 8 and instead of visitation or custody she asked for a sum of money from my Dad in order not to sue for custody. He paid up. We got on without her & watched Dad descend into further madness and alcoholism.

Sad times.

Nice Mothers we had lady, it amazes me that we are here, didn't we do well to get this far ? xx BH