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Sometimes it seems to me like being sexually abused in some way, up to and including rape, is just something every female goes through and something is wrong with me that I've never experienced it. Yes, I have weird guilt about this.
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It sounds somewhat like survivor guilt: other females had these experiences but you managed to escape them.
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I don't get close very often and I'm loathe to share thoughts, usually too ashamed for whatever reason. Even physical closeness makes me uneasy - I love the idea of cuddling, for example, but wonder if I could ever do it with someone without feeling like I was committing some horrible sin of invasion, or without it feeling utterly wrong. I'm also simply used to being alone. I'm an only child who had few to no friends growing up (I bounced around schools so much that being a loner made it easier), heck I barely knew my classmates names sometimes.
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It sounds like you have an aversion to closeness, intimacy in general, not just sexual intimacy. Perhaps the aversion to sex is an aspect of your more general aversion to closeness.
What has your experience been with therapy in person?
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Online I'll talk about my deepest thoughts and feelings: IRL I can't even do that with a therapist, or a helpline.
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What you would think of doing therapy online?