I don't actually do a thesis…not in the traditional sense anyway. I compose a piece of music and write a shorter "document" about it. I screwed myself by composing a piece for my equivalent of a master's thesis that went well beyond what most people would do for their doctorate so now I have to do something even bigger somehow, while still doing academic classes, oral and written comps all in a year and a half. The piece has to be written in a year so it can be performed (if I can even find enough people to perform since my last recital was cancelled because I couldn't find enough people).

But by not also having a job at the same time, I show future employers that I'm unable to hold a job consistently and they're not going to hire me without a job history and experience which I don't know how to get. I only had one shot at getting a teaching assistantship and I failed.

And no, I'm not going into any debt. That makes me feel worse actually. I just want to be normal and be able to relate to people, but I have nothing in common with anyone.

All I see is no one who is graduating is getting a job teaching anywhere. And that's the only thing I can do in my field that has the possibility of a steady paycheck. You know, if I'm lucky. Most likely I'd be an adjunct and have to work elsewhere just to eat. A lot of the full time professors I know have a second job and that's when they're FULL TIME. To the point that classes have to be cancelled because something came up in the professor's second job.

May self-esteem comes from internal sources, but I would imagine I would be made fun of and bullied if I had the audacity to have self-esteem. I've never done anything to earn it.