oh. i didn't think of that. he said something about how yeah, shame was hard. i guess that was the point of the emails, really. to tell him about the shame. about how that was why i wasn't more playful and stuff. but then i got distracted into apologising for not being able to look at him and stuff.

but, yeah. i guess he isn't scared of what i said. that is good. i said something about how i'm scared he will leave me. scared scared scared. cringe cringe. i wonder when those feelings will just stop and i can just be. being in the absence of shame and doubt and fear and terror... old habits die hard. sorry.