Hi AlwaysChanging,

Yes, I'm co-conscious, but only after I had my breakdown in my mid 30's. Before that, I didn't know I had dissociative parts of me at all. The first part that showed up was a small little girl part who felt hurt, abandoned, and scared. Later, other parts began showing up. But the first one has always seemed like the one that holds the most pain and the one I am most aware of when I switch.

I think I have a one-track mind also. My husband says that when a conversation between people has taken a different turn, I am stick stuck on the former topic. I get stuck analyzing something and want to go into more detail or deeper, but apparently, other people don't. It makes me think of a record player where the needle is stuck in the same spot and needs a "push" to get it moving again.

I don't think that I switch very much outside therapy, except when I get triggered. But I could be totally wrong, as I am not very self-aware sometimes. My husband says I often act like I am different ages, although I don't recognize it in myself at the time.

One thing I've noticed about my parts is that instead of having different appearances or names, they seem like they are different emotions, or that they are responsible for holding ALL of a certain emotion that I have experienced throughout my life. What I mean is that one of them holds all of the feelings of hurt, abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. Another one only feels anger and rage. Another one has all of the shame of my SA and feels like a bad person who needs to suffer or be punished. I have one that is sarcastic. I have one that feels about 2-3 years old, and another that can't speak at all, but only communicates through poetry or music. All of these ones I call "child parts" because they all feel like they are young.

Added to that are ones that I think of as adult parts, although my t says they are not really adult parts, but child parts also. These ones step in to either protect or punish child parts, depending on what happens. Also, when my regular normal me that I am 90% of the time gets too stressed out trying to manage the child parts or keep them put away, a robot part of me takes over that feels numb and isn't troubled by any disturbing emotions, and it allows me to keep doing my responsibilities in life.

But the ONLY one that really, truly feels like ME is the adult me how I experience myself most of the time when I am not triggered. That is the ME that I recognize and know. All of the others, even though I know they have to be parts of me, feel like they just don't fit who I am. They express thoughts and feelings that I just don't have when I am not triggered. That is why they don't feel like me.

Also, I sometimes have dreams where I am extremely rageful, yet I never feel like that in my normal daily life.

It's just weird. I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe it doesn't matter whether I have DID or PTSD or just stress-related dissociation. Whatever it is, it feels "not normal" and I don't like it. I do everything I can to hide it when I am with other people (keep all parts other than ANP out of sight).