This is tough. Really tough. I probably can't explain it all here, but I'll give it a shot. I tend to replay all the possible conditions in my head of "what if this... would it have turned out like that?" The thoughts usually center around how awful of a person I am for not doing enough for someone or for doing something hurtful like being the one to initiate a break up. In fact, in four out of the five relationships I've been in, I have been the one to initiate the break up. In five other instances, I have seriously liked a person, but they were not interested. And cue the onslaught of thoughts about how pathetic I am for trying so many times and failing. When other people hear this, they're probably thinking "this girl needs to make up her mind and stop being unfaithful" or "she's so young and already f*cked up five serious relationships?" The even sadder part is, I've never gone into a relationship with the intention of breaking someone's heart or hurting them. And each time I broke up with someone I was crying non-stop. It hurt so f*cking bad. If you spoke to any of my close friends, they'd probably tell you I'm one of the most loyal people they know. Yet, here I am breaking hearts left and right. Doing whatever I please with no regards to anything anyone feels.

Ok I'm sorry sometimes I slip into that head voice which judges myself for all my mistakes. When I type like this, it becomes hard to discern if I actually think this or if I'm just playing my own devil's advocate.

On top of disliking my own shortcomings, I also feel guilt when I am not dating someone my parents approve of. They tell me I am making bad choices for the family. So I end up never telling them anything about any of my interactions with guys. I refuse to share my journey with them, and in the process I have estranged myself. So much to the point that they don't know me anymore. They constantly ask me if I have any interest in a guy or if I am thinking about dating anyone. I want to scream at them to just leave me alone. Because I am thinking about that. But my heart is so crippled I can't do anything about it.

Last night I couldn't stop crying. Just thinking about meeting a person for coffee made me hate myself all over again. For letting myself get my hopes up that maybe this time things would be different. That maybe I could find someone who'd understand my loneliness and not chastise me or shun me for it. I'm extremely broken. I doubt anyone would even want someone like me who cries all the time. But on the surface I don't show it. I look perfectly normal. I can deceive innocent people into thinking I'm a pleasant extroverted individual. But it is all just a lie. I am nothing but a leech. A parasite that will feed on any and all happiness people have to offer. Yet I give nothing but sadness and depression in return.

Sorry I turned dark again.. I really need to stop doing that.