I mentioned doing some art therapy on myself on another thread. But I thought it may help others to see how it has helped me to assimilate, accept, forgive, and use it to help others... like am trying to do now.

I understand that some people may get flashbacks, and are not prepared to explore my story. I will only show artworks that express what I felt, done, or seen. But non of them will show any graphical personal abuse on my person. This personal journey is not in chronological order, but more in order of how it effected me as a person. So if it gets too much, stop there and leave this thread. I am hoping that will not be necessary.

Okay, the first one is a charcoal sketch called 'Escape Route'. It depicts my bedroom window which runs along the side of my parents house.

When my father was home and drunk, in most cases, it was not safe to be seen or be heard by him. More often than not, if he noticed me, he had some excuse to exercise his anger onto me.
'Out of sight out of mind' became my motto for hiding and prayer.

At first, before leaving my bedroom, I often stood in front of the door, wondering what excuse my father would use to beat me with. "Did I do anything wrong? Did I forget something?"
As soon as my head started to have doubts, I got too scared to open the door. So then it was time to go through the window.

later, to go to the toilet, or to leave the house, I always preferred to climb out the window.
To get back in, I used a small plank of wood as a step. I normally hid the plank under the house.
When my friends saw the plank of wood against the wall, they knew I was home. They would come to the window quietly and call for me. They too were afraid of my father, and for me.

IMAGE: Escape Route.


These days I try very hard to avoid living in doubt. Doubt scares me all over again.
Whenever I feel my doubt keeping me from moving forward, I become determined to break the spell. I have to make a decision.
As soon as I decide on a particular path, doubt tends to disappear.

I have made less favorable decisions in my life, but the decisions based on my conscience have always proven favorable.
To do this, I calm down as best I can. Listen to what my conscience tells me, regardless of my fears.
Then I take a risk, and do my best to follow my conscience.

Also, I still prefer to live in silence. It is not because of an old behavior, but because I am no longer afraid of it.
Before, silence was to avoid being discovered. These days, it is a means to be discovered.
It helps me to become more aware of my true self. Some call it introspection.
Silence is my friend.

Before, I never wanted to be alone. But I had to, to feel some sort of possible escape/reprieve.
After I left home, I used others to hide from my fears of being a mistake (the unloved one).
These days, after discovering who I really am, and not some mistake, I no longer fear myself.
I can live with me today, and no longer need others to make me feel okay.

It saddens me to know that in my early relationships I used to prefer to stay with the enemy than to be alone.
Being alone at that time meant running away from my fears, but I was no longer with the abuser, so it was my own fears that imprisoned me.
But later, others showed me a better way. It took courage to break my own chains (fears) that bound me.
I found that if I focused on my weaknesses and limits, I became too scared to move.
But if I simply focused on my survival strengths and abilities, I found the necessary courage to face my fears.