Welcome aboard AndyT. It sounds like you've gotten yourself into a bit of mess. I think it's important to understand that we all want to be pampered and feel special, but how we go about that is what's important.

Obviously I'm no therapist, but it does sound like you've gotten to be self-centered and at least at some level expect your wife to make you happy. We all know that she can't do that though and it has to come from inside you. I wonder if you developed this passive-aggressive method from childhood?

Anyway, the first thing I would suggest is trying to understand why you react like you do. Talking with a counselor could help you find the cause as well as give you insight on productive behaviors in your relationship.

Also, I would offer that you should consciously turn your mind toward making your wife happy. I find that I'm most happy when I'm making others happy in turn. Of course I get selfish at times, I much prefer the positive feedback I get when I do things for my wife than trying to have a battle of wills.