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Originally Posted by Bill3
It sounds somewhat like survivor guilt: other females had these experiences but you managed to escape them.
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Survivor's guilt - I've only heard of the in connection to disasters, but it might actually be the problem. I've experienced similar feelings to accounts of abuse - who am I to have been treated so well? I don't deserve the kind of comfort I had, I should have been mistreated like this or that person...army sickest I've considered hiring someone to beat the **** out of me just to give these feelings some justification. It's this messed up need to be punished in the violent ways I never was, because who am I to escape that?
Yes, I'm a sick freak, I know.
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It sounds like you have an aversion to closeness, intimacy in general, not just sexual intimacy. Perhaps the aversion to sex is an aspect of your more general aversion to closeness.
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Well...I never have been good at getting close to people. I can only think of one person IRL I've ever opened up to in any way. At the same time...some part of me longs to be close to someone but I just can't do it. It's terrifying to think about sometimes.
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What has your experience been with therapy in person?
What you would think of doing therapy online?
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I kiind of fail at in-person therapy. I generally let the therapist lead and often end up not getting to talk about what really bothers me. One T I had basically blew me off when I tried to bring up a lifelong fixation that causes me a lot of grief, telling me it's not a problem and I'm fine; another, for some reason, intimidated me or something - all I know is I was always incredibly stiff, nervous, and scared when met with him, and of course I did little to actually be proactive. That might have just been because I was new to therapy, though. However, my parents and money were always the biggest hindrance. My mom cancelled any T she disapproved of, and since she's paying for it, she gets all the say in my treatment. My mom wants me to have a life coach to teach me to follow a schedule and set routines and be a better, more diligent worker. I'd like to discuss my depression, anxiety, self-harm, guilt, and total lack of anything resembling self-esteem.
By online therapy, you mean with sites like 7Cups? The idea is great, and I've tried it a few times, but it's time consuming since I'm a really slow typer, and trying to get all my thoughts out can be a pain. But I can be much more open there than in person, I will admit that.