SSR, I've had those feelings of shame and guilt. I've gone from complete despair, to fear, to rage, to missing him, to confused, to feeling guilt and shame, back to despair, it's an endless cycle. But, in regard to the guilt I will tell you what my therapist told me, "There is nothing that you could have said, or anything that you could have done, that would make what he did justifiable. My therapist told it wouldn't have mattered if I had walked in there completely naked, it still wouldn't be okay for him to do what he did to me. An ethical therapist would not do it. I'm so sorry you are hurting. That kind of pain is hard to describe. I know it all too well.