I have been having very hard times lately and she(my mom) had to help me by picking me up and being there for me,that kind of thing. She KNOWS and has seen more then I wanted her to. All i've been trying to do is hurry up and move past the humiliation and pain and make changes in my life. I fixed up my looks again,have been working out more,have overcome my ptsd of being alone in my apartment,am getting started on a new business thing that makes me very happy,did a job, and starting taking little lessons to learn to drive and taking little agoraphobia steps such as walking on my block alone when someone was at my apartment. I also am starting to become involved with someone. It's been like pulling teeth to try and do things to better myself with all the drama but i've always been committed to bettering myself and I really want to make changes from all that's happened lately. I have to really watch my money and keep things as stable as possible. It's not a time to be messing around and yet my mom keeps asking me for money and has even went behind my back asking someone who i have been on fragile ground with for money behind my back exploiting my problems saying because she is helping me. Luckily,this person knows how she is and said don't worry nothing she can do will make things worse for me,but still it hurt to see her do that to me.

She acts like she cares,and I know she does. She was crying to my brother about me,but she makes such stupid decisions. It was a huge betrayal when she texted that person asking for money RIGHT after she seen exactly the issues going on. I never brought it up to her,and accepted that's how she is. Sure,she can help me,but i'll usually have to give her money which is sad. I can't afford to have her help me basically. It makes me sad she does have money problems but at the same time she spends her money so badly and why should I be deprived because of her bad choices? She smokes a lot,drinks,and always borrows money as a way of life. I told her I can't be like that. I need to try and make something of my life and I'm a firm believer if you keep borrowing money,you will always be broke. She also texted things to the person I've been on fragile ground with when she was drunk which again could've made things worse,but this person had assured me nothing she could do would make things worse for me.

I feel sad because my brother,too I can tell wishes I would come by. He has money problems and him and my mom both constantly borrow and give each other money. My brother doesn't work. Only odd jobs once in awhile. He smokes weed and drinks a lot,and drinks a lot of soda and doesn't care about bettering himself. I broke down the other day to my friend saying I will not be like him. I felt bad saying that,but it's true. I don't drink except on occasion. I don't smoke or do drugs and I always try to better myself despite my condition. I just want a chance to make something of myself. I cannot come by right now and I know part of the reason he wishes I could is because he profited off my problems too as he would be given things a lot of time when I was there such as food,and even ciggarettes. I feel for these people,I do. But,they don't actually try to make their lives different and they would have more money if they didn't do the things they did. I shouldn't have to cut into my money that i'm watching very carefully lately and trying to make very smart decisions with so they can blow it off on escapism. I had felt bad recently,feeling like,ok,this is life trying to show me to have empathy,and I did but now I feel I need to stay away from them and keep a distance or they will drag me down with them. Plus,again,the past months has been humiliating and painful. I really just want to move forward and show everyone look what I accomplished,look how great I can be. It hurts me so bad my life got to this point and I've been trying so hard to move on. There's still things I want,and need and things I don't have the answers to and I'm just trying to stay positive. It's hard when my own mother says she can only come by If i give her money for something. Btw,she lives 5 minutes away. I shouldn't have to support my mom. I do feel for her. I do. I think she wishes she could do more for her kids,but really,i just want her to not ask for money from me or make my problems worse with her antics. I tried logically and calmly telling her the deal but she doesn't get it. She just whines and says she can't get to work if she doesn't get the money. I am in such delicate times right now. I CANNOT afford to be messing around. She could've made different choices to have the money she doesn't have now.What else can I do? She's exploiting me and trying to make me like my brother and that is hurtful. I have accomplished too much in my life to become like that. In a rage to a friend,I even said I'd kill myself before becoming like that. That lifestyle doesn't resonate with me at all. I'm embarrassed and it's put a fire underneath me to have that realization come to me..that me going through my hard times makes her think me and my brother are alike.