Little-me

I was about five or six years old when I first experienced myself shrinking in size. It happened during a beating.
I was laying on the floor, and my face was close to the ground, near the front corner of an armchair.
As I looked at the ground near the chair's leg, my whole vision and sense of self started to zoom in onto that spot. I felt as if I was shrinking in size.
I know I was not actually shrinking, but it felt that way. It was as if my whole world view of self was shrinking to a dot, and smaller still.

During a beating, the feeling of shrinking never stopped. Regardless of how small I felt, I still felt I could shrink some more. Though I felt as if I was disappearing, I was still there.

For many years, I would re-experience this feeling, even when I was not abused, but whenever I felt helpless or hopeless.



No matter how small I felt, there was that little bit of me that still felt okay.
That little bit of me was everything I loved about me - the capacity to love, be kind, respectful, and caring.
That part of me came from the love within me, and not something born from fear. It was the only thing I had of any value. No amount of physical abuse could take away that part of me.
Today it is still with me, but abundantly more so.

In recovery, I discovered that my shrinking feeling helped to emphasize my greatest value in life – the capacity to express love. That 'little-me' was like a diamond in the rough.
The shrinking was the striping away of my ego and pride – my false-self. And I was left of me was my true-self, a loving human being.

Another insight for me, is that I know that 'little-me' is untouchable. It is me, and nobody can touch that part of me. It is as if it belongs to my spirit.

I often get reminded of this 'little-me' whenever I watch a good movie about the 'underdog' who rises to their true self. These movies are real tear jerkers for me.

These days, on a daily basis, I experience the joy of my true self through gratitude.