My session was good, if you call my ability to say the word "sex" more times in one session than I ever had before, good. First, it turned out that she came back from vacation late Sunday (she had the wrong information) instead of Saturday, so she didn't forget me after all. I was a little annoyed when she said, then I won't promise anything in the future and I'll see you in the office when I come back. She missed the point, but then I asked "if I email you, you'll email that you're back, won't you?" To that she said yes. She did apologize even though I said there was nothing to apologize for.

I know I've posted the same thing before, but now it's really getting to me that I don't know what my problem is! We did IFS with the parts that "didn't want her to have sex with that guy". I said I wanted her to be with me; I felt left out. She wanted to know if I felt that way in the past. She always asks me that, and I never come up with anything new. I don't remember my parents leaving me, I don't remember walking in on them in the bedroom, or anything traumatic like that. I do remember crying when we watched family movies with my brother and not me, because I didn't understand that I wasn't born yet.

T wanted me to comfort the child who wanted T to be with me, and not with him. I said if she is with that guy, I will be thrown out. She said that's not true at all. She wanted to know what I can tell that part. I said "Mommy can love Daddy too, but she will always love you."

Then T wanted to know if the part who has a teenage crush on her was involved too. I had said there are a lot of parts who are upset. I said I don't think so, because this isn't about me having sex with her; it's about not wanting her to be with HIM.

I talked a little about the adult part who wants to be with someone in an intimate relationship, who wants what T has. She's jealous.

I asked if she would hold my hand. I haven't asked her for about 2 months and I've been fine. She did so right away. A tear was almost falling down my face about all this stuff!! I feel so guilty that I could cry about T and "that guy" more than about my deceased H though I know some of it is grief about what I didn't have with my H.

T thought it was great progress that I let the part cry while I was painting at home, and that I could say what I felt about not wanting her to have sex with that guy. I have to keep saying that for some reason. She also thought I was doing a good job with trying to comfort my parts. She praised me for being able to wait and tell her in person about her not emailing instead of sending her a mean email. She also loved my most recent painting that I brought for her to see.

I just spoke to a friend who doesn't understand about therapy at all. Or, maybe she's right, considering all the anti-therapy threads on here lately. She said, "why don't I just stop seeing her and go on with my life? If I wasn't seeing her, I wouldn't have this problem." Etc. Etc. But...the fact is, I AM seeing her, and the other fact is that I attached to unavailable people all the time in my past. It's a pattern. True, if I wasn't in therapy, I'd just keep repeating it with other people. It's more pronounced in therapy.

So, I am trying to be nice to my parts but I feel frustrated and sad about my life, and about why I act like I do in therapy. This hasn't happened since my T went away with her H, though I suppose being jealous of her selling her artwork is another aspect of it. I am working on this physical/sexual issue, and making progress with talking honestly about it, at least. Still, I feel like it's a no win situation. Is there a missing puzzle piece or not? What is it? Or is it my personality to attach so tightly to a T that therapy is the problem, not the solution, at least not the solution for that problem?

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling. I don't have anyone left to talk to in real life about this. I have to suffer with this pain that sits there, even when I distract. I keep trying to ask the parts what they want, and they want to be with my T and that guy. Or be with my T alone. Transference-wise, they want to be with Mommy or a man. So they cry. It's pathetic.