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Originally Posted by Bill3
So many people have left that it feels scary to connect with people; that seems like a way to invite more abandonment and therefore more pain.
What about people in your family? It seems from other posts that you have a lot of conflict with your mother. Perhaps this was true growing up as well--So that you learned by repeated experience in childhood that people who are close will be sources of pain?
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Something I just remembered: a thread I made a while back about what feels to me like an inability to connect with people even platonically, or what feels like it. Someone suggested I may have a strong fear of intimacy, and somehow I failed to put the two together now that I think about it...
My mom says she's thought I was "****ing weird" since I was about 10, and prior to that I seemed to prefer my father's company, at least until he died. My mom's and my relationship started going downhill in preadolescence and, while I might take practical worries and bragging to her on occasion still, I don't trust her with emotional matters. Even now, I've tried telling her things (sometimes for the first time) and there's just a barrier there, just getting blown off or downplayed or misunderstood completely. So I don't bother much, I have the internet for that.
I've never had much family outside immediate relatives. Most extended family is estranged. Our "world's smallest family" was supposed to be super tightknit and close but I never felt it. So I guess you could say there was conflict, of sorts.
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What brought you to say that just now?
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Because I have been writing a lot these last couple posts, and I guess I worried it was annoying?