Here's the therapist situation. I was seeing one five years ago, then I lost my job and health insurance, so I couldn't afford it. I decided in May to go off my anti-depressant, and go back to therapy. I was seeing a wonderful therapist for about two months, and then she moved to a new practice. So I went back to my therapist from five years ago. We've only had two sessions, the first being "catch me up on the last five years" and the second being treatment plan/goals. So the simple answer is we haven't gotten to it yet. But I will make it a point to talk to her about this, because I don't wanna lose my job or get hospitalized again.

You basically confirmed everything I'd been trying to convince myself of in the first place. Sometimes it's hard to figure out which voice is the borderline and which is the Vulcan (logical, practical, realistic, etc). It helps to have someone else tell you which voice to listen to, if that makes sense.

My boyfriend explained a possible explanation as to my boss's excessive curiosity. We work together, and our job is demanding and we often deal with upset and verbally abusive customers. Coworkers have broken down, and not infrequently, because of the abuse and drama we deal with on a daily basis. More than one has committed suicide in the last five years. I didn't know this until he told me, because he's been there about five years longer than I have. In May, right before (yes, before) I went off anti-depressants (under my p doc's supervision, before you get worried), I had a bit of a meltdown. I didn't do anything extreme this time, so I hope that means I'm getting better, but people at work noticed. Like a switch got flipped, I went from over-talkative adhd super friendly people pleaser to angry, withdrawn, silent, and seemingly uncaring. Coworkers noticed immediately, and I didn't know why they were acting so weird around me until my boyfriend told me about all the suicides within our department.

Because my depressive episodes always present with eerily consistent characteristics (withdrawing, not talking, not smiling, hardly eating and pretty much just shutting down and curling up into a little ball to wait it out), quite a few people have noticed that I'm acting much like I did in May. I'm handling it better this time, and nobody knows what I'm really feeling (including my boyfriend). Hopefully this explains why I'm worried about my boss being nosy.

That being said, you're absolutely right. She's my boss, not my therapist. I've been repeating it to myself over and over like a mantra. This is making me feel crazy! I've been talking to myself in public and everything. Guess that's what you get when you bottle everything up. More work for the therapist, I guess. No matter what I'm going through, it's not my boss's problem; I'm sure she has enough of her own. I know logically that she doesn't need to know what's going on, she's probably just covering her butt in case something happens. But it's so damn hard to keep my mouth shut when she asks me what's going on. Ugh! This constant internal struggle is exhausting (which is kinda ironic cause the last four times she asked, I told her I was tired). Also, as soon as I recognized that I'd put myself in another surrogate situation, I cut off my end of the relationship (which is only at work anyway); I don't look for her or ask for her, I don't talk about her (except this post) or initiate conversations with her. I don't even sit by her in the breakroom. What's making this difficult, is that when I'm working, I can't leave my station (except for illness, bathroom, or other emergency). So when she comes by me to see how well I'm doing my job, I can't go anywhere. And I can't ignore her, cause she's my boss. So the only thing I can do is lie and hope she forgets all about me before this one backfires too. I know how these things have turned out in the past, and I don't want something to go wrong again.

I don't even know how to bring any of this up to my therapist. Where do I start? Hi, I'm crazy, always have been and always will be?