We've been married 35 years. My wife did say that she regretted coming out to me, when she saw how devastated I was. But I said, no, I'm glad to know the truth. It's better than not knowing. Or so I believe.

Ratchet: it's not about us. It's about them, the way they're made. They didn't chose to be this way, to feel this way.

I feel that I’ve been amputated of an important part of me. My sexuality. And I have been. That’s the reality. That’s what it costs to make our Mixed Orientation Marriage ‘work’. On the one hand, nothing has changed. There’s no more intimacy, and I’ve given up all hope that there ever will be. So there’s no ‘compromise’, and I’m having to accept what I swore I would not and could not accept: a sexless marriage. So part of me is furious that all this time, trauma, therapy, investment of self and money has been to absolutely no avail. Furious with God who led me, who led us both, to this terribly frustrating place (for me at least). Furious with the years and years of unanswered prayers. Prayers that she could change; prayers that I could change, and lose all my natural desires. And the other part of me has to recognise a new strength in the midst of fragility, a resilience, a slightly amazed understanding that I’ve never been seriously tempted to infidelity. My deepest longing is not for sex, but for intimacy, and perhaps we have at least something of that.

Of course, many other couples face similar challenges, due to problems of age and health. But I am not mourning something that I’ve lost, but rather something that I’ve never had.

There are endless ironies. There’s so much on the Web about reviving flagging libido, and I’ve been searching - with absolutely no success at all - for ways of reducing my libido. Life would be so much easier if I was as asexual as Eliane! Then there's the new female viagra - but it's out of the question for post-menopausal women, like Eliane, and even more so for those who have had breast cancer...

May this new year bring each one of us some peace. If not peace in its fullness, enough peace for another year.