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Originally Posted by Andy T
Thanks Webgoji. This is very good advice. I too have noticed that I'm happiest when when I'm most loving and I've been making conscious efforts to be loving and helpful. These go moderately well until there is some sort of conflict - maybe my wife criticises me for something or asks me to do something I don't want to do. Then I often immediately revert to being conniving or aggressive in an indirect way. This might sound strange but the best thing I can do when she criticises me is to say "How dare you!" in a funny, exaggerated way and then make a reasonable reply. Once the anger has been expressed, I can then be more humble and honest. In the heat of the moment, I often forget to do this.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy T
I effectively punish my wife for challenging me: criticising me and asking me to do things I don't want to do. In my early life I was a reasonably well-behaved boy and was left to get on with my self with little parental pressure. It seems like I want to recreate this even though I'm 60 years old and have been married for 18 years! You would have thought I would be more mature by now.
My wife and I have struggled to name what is wrong with me. I do feel regret and shame - especially for the lying, the tantrums and the impact this all has on my wife and our marriage. The tantrums have disappeared for the past two months, by the way. I would say that I am self-centred and relatively unempathic (despite having been a counsellor myself and a lifelong Buddhist!)
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I'm a Buddhist myself and often have to explain to people that we
practice Buddhism. I'm by no means a Buddha so I keep practicing even though I'm not very good at it.
But that said, you mentioned that you were well behaved and had little parental pressure. Now when you're criticized you move to being aggressive in a conniving and indirect manner. You know what it sounds like?
You were a good kid and you're probably a great adult to be around. And because of that ...
... you never had to learn to deal with direct conflict. Especially when your self-cherishing mind feels it's attacked.
It also sounds like you're starting to develop a good method of dealing with it. When criticized you need to be able to address the feelings so by immediately using something that helps diffuse your anger and then being able to talk it over is very important.
So keep working on that! Your practice will help you learn to see when that mind of anger is starting to rear up and at that time you can call your "time out" (How dare you) and discuss your feelings with your wife. The rest of the time, you can focus on making her happy as you mentioned. I think you've got a good plan in action. Just keep practicing and stay aware of your mind.
(And I also suggest the Love Languages good. It's really cool to see them in action when you understand how they work.)