Hello splitimage.
Thanks for reminding me of my early years of struggling with alcoholism. I need to be reminded of were I can return to if I pick up a drink.
In those days, after I first got some clarity about being an alcoholic, I struggled for seven years to stay stopped.

Each time I relapsed I thought I could handle it.
But during my first drink I said to myself, "I've done it now, I might as well get drunk!"
Then shortly afterwards I would think with great urgency "Gee, I've got a lot of catching up yo do!"
Catch up to what, the guy on the park bench!? (which I eventually became)
Whenever I got sober and reflected on this, I could never work it out. But drunk, it made total sense.

Then years later in recovery I discovered why. When I was drunk, I often thought my irrational thoughts seemed right, and everybody else was wrong. Because IT FELT RIGHT.
As long as it felt right, I couldn't give a damn if it was irrational or not.

In Step 2 of AA, it says: 'Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity'.
This assumes that I realized that my drinking was insane.
But not only that, but somewhere along the line I become insane to pick up that first drink again (in light of what I know about myself as an alcoholic).
The trouble with that, I cannot tell when I get insane, because I am are already insane.

That is the reason why the 12 Step program is a spiritual program.
I need to rely on a Power greater than me, on a daily basis (Step 11) to keep me on track. As a result, I have been clean and sober for 27 years.
So recovery is not only possible but durable too. It works if you work at it.
I still work at it, but don't really notice it, because the 12 Step life of self honesty is my way of life now.

Hope your new growth in recovery will blossom into the person you always wanted to become.